Soccer fields are places where kids grow—mentally, physically, and emotionally. But let’s be real: for us parents, they can also be emotional battlegrounds. When our kids are out there giving it their all, it's hard not to get caught up in the intensity. A missed call, a tough loss, or a disagreement with a coach or ref can spark strong emotions. Believe me, I’ve been there too, feeling my blood pressure rise when I thought the ref got it wrong or when my child sat on the bench longer than expected. It’s natural to care. But how we choose to express that care matters.
One thing I’ve noticed more and more is how often referees are on the receiving end of verbal abuse. They make a tough call, and suddenly they’re getting shouted at by grown adults. And here's the thing: if we keep treating referees this way, especially our youngest ones, they won’t keep coming back. We’ll have no one left to officiate the games our kids love, and without refs there are no games…
So how do we shift this culture? How do we communicate more constructively when emotions run high? Here are a few things that have helped me (still a work in progress…), and that I hope will you as well!
1. Recognize the Human Behind the Role
Referees, coaches, and even other parents are human beings. They’re doing their best in a high-pressure environment. Referees are responsible for making split-second decisions, often with limited visibility and no replay. Mistakes happen. That doesn't make them bad at their jobs, it makes them human. Same goes for coaches and players. Let's offer the same understanding we’d want for our own children.
For example, we wouldn’t want someone speaking negatively about our own child, right? So why should we speak ill of someone else’s? Every kid on that field is learning and growing. Voicing frustration about another player, whether it’s about their skill level, playing time, or a mistake they made, doesn’t help anyone, and it can be incredibly hurtful if overheard. Let’s protect all our kids by keeping the sideline talk supportive and focused on growth, not criticism.
2. Choose Constructive Communication
If you have a concern, approach it the way you’d want someone to speak to you. Avoid confrontation during or immediately after the game when emotions are still high. Give it time, then request a calm, private conversation. A respectful tone can open doors that shouting never will.
3. Don't Gossip - Go Direct
It can be tempting to vent frustrations to other parents, but that often breeds more resentment and misunderstanding. If there’s a problem with the coach, talk to the coach. If you don’t understand a call, ask about it in a non-aggressive way. When we sidestep direct communication, small issues often snowball into bigger ones.
4. Model the Behavior We Want to See
In my opinion, this is the most important factor to remember! Our kids are constantly watching us. When we lose our cool over a ref’s call or another parent’s comment, we’re teaching them that aggression is the way to handle conflict. On the flip side, when we respond with calmness and respect, even when we’re frustrated, we show them what emotional maturity looks like.
5. Appreciate the Bigger Picture
It’s easy to get tunnel vision about the game right in front of us, but youth sports are about much more than winning. They’re about teamwork, discipline, handling setbacks, and developing confidence. Every game is a learning opportunity for players and parents alike.
6. Support Our Referees
Referees are essential to the game. Without them, the game doesn’t happen. If we continue to treat them poorly, they’ll stop showing up. Especially with youth referees, many of whom are just starting out, our patience and encouragement can make the difference between someone quitting or sticking with it. If we want better refs in the future, we need to support the ones we have now.
Final Thoughts
Being a sports parent is emotional. We want the best for our kids, and it’s hard to stay neutral when we see something we think is unfair. But yelling at refs, gossiping about coaches, or blowing up on the sidelines doesn’t make anything better. In fact, it can create a toxic environment that drives good people away and robs our kids of a positive experience.
Let’s be better. Let’s be the kind of supporters who lift up the game, not tear it down. Let’s create a culture where referees feel respected, coaches feel supported, and kids are reminded that mistakes are just part of learning—not something to fear.
After all, it’s not just about the game. It’s about the example we’re setting. And that’s something worth getting right.
For more tips, check out the ACTOS website and our Coach Like a PRO e-book series. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram and tell us what you think and what you need or would like to hear more about.
Jessica
ACTOS Performance Innovation
Jessica holds a B.S. in Kinesiology and an MPH, with a strong background in health and wellness. She’s worked as a personal trainer, bootcamp instructor, as well as a Health & Fitness Director, leading large-scale wellness programs. As the former owner of a successful personal training business, she also partnered with local gyms and the military MWR Department to deliver customized fitness solutions.